The Back-at-Home Battle

I sure do love being out and about. But recently getting back in the door and ready for the next thing has been a battle, especially when we come home from school.

Here is a recent example of a time when I lost my cool with Connor:

We come in the door after the drive home from school and I’m anxiously watching the clock. Naptime is 12:45 - on the dot!-  and before that we still have to take off our shoes, change clothes (I’ve recently become a germaphobe with all the sickness floating around), wash our hands, eat lunch, put on the pull-up, read a story and brush our teeth. The clock is a-tickin.’ We have discussed this thoroughly on the car ride home- me cheerfully explaining each step and Connor reciting them back to me. I’m giving myself some positive self-talk and vowing that I absolutely will NOT nag or get frustrated this time. I feel good! Today will be different! He IS going to go with the routine and he WILL be in bed on time.

So what happens when we get in the door? The exact opposite, of course.

Connor runs around in circles screaming, climbs on the couch WITH his dirty shoes on, refuses to wash his hands, won’t take off his jacket and laughs his mischievous laugh.

Do I respond with grace and patience? Absolutely not! My heart starts beating faster, I’m eyeing the clock with the anger rising and the frustration gets to me.

I start out calm, “Connor, it’s time to take off your shoes.”

He continues running and laughing.

So I try again, “Connor, your shoes are dirty from school. There are germs all over them. Your brother will get sick. Come sit down and take off your shoes.”

He continues running away, his muddy shoes now tracking dirt ALL over the house.

So I try yet again, but with a sharpness to my seemingly calm words, “Connor! Get over here and take off your shoes. Right NOW.”

He comes and sits in the chair and I think, Whew, thank goodness. I was getting to my limit and I’m so glad he came! But what happens next? As soon as he starts to undo the velcro on one of his shoes, he shoots up out of the chair and resumes the running and laughing.

Annnnnd that’s when I lose it.

I stomp over to him, grab him too forcefully, plop him in the chair, take off his shoes with, again, much too much force, all the while I’m angrily saying, “I don’t understand why you can’t just SIT in this chair and TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES! I have HAD IT!  You KNOW exactly what to do and you CHOOSE NOT TO DO IT!”

I feel the anger bubbling under the surface and I remind myself that this is exactly what I didn’t want to do. I’ve let him down and let myself down yet again and I feel completely helpless and inadequate.

I remembered how recently I heard someone explain that how when kids are at school they have to be structured, follow directions, and behave a certain way for an extended period of time. Connor is stimulated by his classmates, his teachers, his environment, and when he gets home it’s his time to be free and safe. At least he SHOULD be able to feel safe to express himself with no fear of shame or punishment.

When I stepped back and saw things from this perspective, it changed my thinking. I realized that just like I need some time to decompress when I get finished with a stimulating experience, he might need the same thing.

So one day I tried a different approach. Instead of spending our time in the car rehearsing the routine for when we got home, I let him talk if he wanted or just eat his snack and we both listened to the radio. As we got closer to home I said, “Okay, Connor, when we get home we have to do two things. We have to take off your shoes and change clothes. Your shoes and clothes have germs on them and we need to be clean. But after that, I’m going to give you ten minutes to do WHATEVER you want to do (imagine my super excited tone here, lol!) before it’s time to each lunch. Start thinking about what you want to do!”

He got excited and started thinking through the things he wanted to do when we got home. He finally decided that he wanted to watch Curious George. He is currently pretty obsessed with this curious little monkey! So, when we got home, he was more motivated to take his shoes off and change clothes so we could get to the show. And y’all, I’m not kidding, the kid literally jumped the ENTIRE ten minutes he watched. I remember just sitting and watching him thinking how all of that energy was just pent up in him all of those days I tried to force him to follow my routine. I felt so stupid.

Did the lunch routine go super smoothly after that? Not exactly. But it was better. It was a step in the right direction. He willingly got in his chair himself without me dragging him across the room!

See! Progress!

When I let go of my own controlling expectations and allowed him to have the time he needed to let his energy out and decompress it was better for both of us. I had time to relax and get his lunch ready and actually enjoyed seeing him so happy and playful. I gave myself time to recharge my patience battery that I would need for the rest of the lunch routine and Connor was in a better place to listen after getting his energy out.

Is this going to work everyday? Probably not. But thinking about things from Connor’s perspective and getting out of my own head has been a great improvement.

I found this great little article on the Melissa and Doug blog with tips (and of course their products) to help bigger kids decompress after a full school day. Who knew they had a blog?!

Now getting OUT of the door is a totally different deal! I’ve got nothin’! ;)

Do you have any strategies that help you with getting in or out of the door? I would love to hear them!!